Voided.

I've really been feeling the vacancy of having no siblings lately. I never thought too much about the smallness of my family, both immediate and extended, but it seems that as I am getting older I am tending to feel the lack of that presence of other people around my own age who can really understand me and where I came from. I mean, I have my parents, but you can't really talk to them about how much your parents fucked you up. You need siblings for that. Because even cousins or close friends can't really understand the way that someone who grew up under the same roof can. And maybe that is why I cling so hard to all of my outside friendships and relationships - because when they are gone I really am alone in a way that most people probably aren't. And maybe that is part of the reason why I rush into and crave so much intimacy with other people, because I don't have those reliable siblings I can call up and talk to about anything; I've lost best friends and I've lost relationships and I know that the intimacy I will develop with a person is a fleeting thing...they won't care about my life or my troubles in 5 years, they will probably hardly care who I am or what I am doing with my life by that point. It's one of those things that just kind of sucks and has become a slight ache of a void that I'm trying not too feel too discouraged about. I mean, what can you do? Nothing but suck it up and soldier on with the given circumstances, I suppose. I could certainly have bigger problems, but it just seems that those important relationships are missing from my life and at this stage I'm really beginning to feel it.

I think I am still somewhat depressed. Or at least I don't want to do anything in a way that doesn't feel normal. I just want to read books and lay in the sun all day. My body, unreliable. My emotions, desultory. My appetite, insatiable. My feet, itching to go anywhere but here and find something that will allow me to sit still and not feel like jumping out of my skin all day long. The growing pains are simultaneously tearing me apart and sewing me back together, one stitch at a time, and it hurts like a mother.