I feel like I'm failing. At everything. Everything that is important anyway. I can't stop biting my nails. I'm trying, really. I'm drinking coffee. I'm trying to stay awake. Really. I'm trying to go to sleep early, but I toss and turn all night and lay awake dreaming and planning and worrying. Worry worry, worry in the dark.
And instead of staying awake when I am supposed to be instead I am tired all day. Tired when I'm working, tired when I am talking to you, tired when I'm driving, tired when I'm doing homework. Everything in a state of semi-consciousness. I am a bad daughter and a bad friend and a bad girlfriend and a bad granddaughter and a bad student and a bad freelancer. I want to get my hands dirty, I want to work in the dirt. I want to be outdoors all day lying in the grass. I want to drive for 10 hours straight.
I think I keep failing because I am trying to fit into this world which never accepted me in the first place. I can't succeed at work or at school or at being responsible in all these arbitrary ways because they never meant anything to me. I want to send you packages and make you homemade notes and grow you vegetables and give you hugs and tell you about all the things I read in books but I just don't have the time.
Or the money. And I hate money, I hate how I need to have it to buy expensive organic food (unless I grow it myself of course which I don't have time to do because I'm too busy working so I can make money) and presents for you and books and plants and all the things I want to make my life colorful and happy and delicious (and I haven't bought any clothes or shoes or stuff in a very long time). I hate how I need it to travel and to drive long distances and to buy things that don't exploit and oppress people. And saving money is possible but it takes lots of time and discipline, which requires a leap of a lifestyle shift.
If I was going to die in a few months what would I do? I would stop working, I would stop going to school. I would garden and travel to as many places as I could and spend every day with my Mom and my Dad and my Grandparents and Brandon and my friends and family and I would call everyone that I have weird feelings with right now and tell them I am sorry, and tell them the truth, tell them how I feel about everything, regardless of the outcome. I would be on call for more shifts at La Piñon. I would ride lots of trains. I would write more and be outdoors more and read more and play more and be wet more. I would call Kevin and sing all of the songs I want to sing without embarrassment and with full abandon. I would go to Spain and visit Ana.
I don't know why I'm not doing these things.
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