In the doorway

It seems that we have been playing this same game for a long time now. I have one foot out the door and the other is still hanging on inside. I still want to be a part of that life. It makes me feel special. I feel cool to be your sweetie, to know you, to stay up late and to take long naps and to waste time and to fuck. Part of me still wants to hold on, and part of me is way, way ready to let go.

I'm tired of only half living.

I want to grow, like a sunflower.

I am playing guitar. I am singing. I'm trying. Every day it gets a little bit easier.

My roof leaks, I still need to fix it. The rainy season is coming. Wishing for sunny days and a burst of motivation.

I'm stuck in my head all day long. Think I may leave town for awhile so I stop feeling guilty for not returning people's phone calls. I haven't been able to sleep well for about 3 weeks. It's probably from eating so much chocolate and drinking so much wine all night before I go to bed.

Besides that, what am I learning about being graduated, out in the real world? Be straightforward, it's easiest in the long run. Don't eat weird foods all day long or you will feel like shit tomorrow. Thinking about health insurance is stressful. You have to drink more water if you are going to drink wine and coffee all day/night. Growing up is hard.

I reserve the right to change my mind.

In response to the question, "so what are you going to do now?", which is slowly managing to cause me a sufficient amount of self-imposed pressure and anxiety to drive me into a mild depression/mania:

I don't fucking know.

I may or may not be traveling short-term over the summer...

I may or may not be going on a long-term travel adventure for an undetermined amount of time...

I may or may not be going to flight school...

I may or may not just hang around Las Cruces and shoot the shit with friends and do web design and work on my house...

...depending on the day, the weather, my mood, current state of mind, stress level, self-confidence level, and what I most recently ate.

So please stop asking because I may have a panic attack soon. Just, you know, let me do it, and cheer me on.

You said that I must eat so many lemons cause I am so bitter.

Hello, my name is...

Anxiety of Sex, Communication, and Related Endeavors


You Are Here, but Where Will You Go?

Tones with Canon

Life is like a roller coaster, and I guess for now I like it that way. There's a certain beauty in melodrama.

Growth, death, and rebirth, voila!

Things are going much better for me. I'm happy again. Actually, really happy. Perfect timing, now that the days are getting longer, warmer and friendlier again. Somehow it's always a little bit of a surprise when the weather starts to change; as though you didn't really believe it would this time.

I just want to take photographs all day long. Who wants to have a naked day-trip to the desert so I can take your picture? No, seriously.

I fell in love with Julia Galdo today. I want to be like her when I grow up.

Maria Taylor in chucks making trouble with her wild gang of girlfriends might offend Pete but I think it's beautiful. Not that I'm advocating that anyone derail trains. It's a metaphor. Girls need to get together and have happy, wonderful, empowering girl energy much more often. Ironically, someone actually fucked up my mailbox last night.



Things to look forward to:
1. Skydiving
2. OneTaste experience in San Francisco with Morgan
3. Camping in the Redwoods with Trish
4. Sitting on the beach, reading, taking pictures, napping with Dahlia
5. Conor Oberst in El Paso April 12
6. Las Cruces 2nd Annual Earth Day Celebration on my birthday, April 18
7. Kissing boys. Maybe girls, too.
8. CAKE and visiting Jenny in Austin April 28
9. Getting cruise control installed in my car at some point
10. Purchasing a Digital SLR camera and learning from Michael how to develop my own film out of a tupperware box in my car
11. Taking pictures of pregnant women. And anyone and everyone else.
12. Pride in San Fran in June
13. Living-ish in Duluth with Seth
14. Womyn Fest in Michigan in August
15. Organic Farming Festival in Maine in September
16. Learning to play piano
17. Climbing rocks with Annie
18. Having no plan


So after 3 months of working our assess off, V-Day is over, and we raised $10,000 to end violence against women. And I stood onstage in front of a collective 1200 people. Who would have thought? I graduate in 2 months. Things are coming back into place and I am committed to maintaining balance. I'll give it a valiant attempt, anyway. Then, we hit the road.

A Short Reprise For Kelly Siebe, Who Went Insane, But For Very Good Reasons

Trying to keep my shoulders straight and back, press out from the heart, shoulders down away from the ears.
Trying to breathe without forgetting why.

I am staring in the mirror and wondering if I am ever going to have clear skin.
Staring in the mirror and wondering if I am ever going to love what I see.
Whether earrings and short skirts will make you love me, and if not, will being wanted ever just be enough?
All the colors in the mirror and nothing makes me feel pretty but you.

And outside of pumpkin transportation and glass slippers you don't even exist. It's enough to make a girl go crazy; like chasing a ghost or beating a dead horse that was never alive in the first place. Think: your typical crazy person on a street corner, just a little cleaner looking.

I'm so fucking lost.
Torn between these different people who I want to be. One who lives on impulse and for experience, taking risks and waging wars, living up the highs and the lows to their greatest capacity - and another who is responsible, cares about things, has her shit together, learns from her mistakes, likes being alone, thinks rationally and is able to delay gratification.

One of them has to die.

Voided.

I've really been feeling the vacancy of having no siblings lately. I never thought too much about the smallness of my family, both immediate and extended, but it seems that as I am getting older I am tending to feel the lack of that presence of other people around my own age who can really understand me and where I came from. I mean, I have my parents, but you can't really talk to them about how much your parents fucked you up. You need siblings for that. Because even cousins or close friends can't really understand the way that someone who grew up under the same roof can. And maybe that is why I cling so hard to all of my outside friendships and relationships - because when they are gone I really am alone in a way that most people probably aren't. And maybe that is part of the reason why I rush into and crave so much intimacy with other people, because I don't have those reliable siblings I can call up and talk to about anything; I've lost best friends and I've lost relationships and I know that the intimacy I will develop with a person is a fleeting thing...they won't care about my life or my troubles in 5 years, they will probably hardly care who I am or what I am doing with my life by that point. It's one of those things that just kind of sucks and has become a slight ache of a void that I'm trying not too feel too discouraged about. I mean, what can you do? Nothing but suck it up and soldier on with the given circumstances, I suppose. I could certainly have bigger problems, but it just seems that those important relationships are missing from my life and at this stage I'm really beginning to feel it.

I think I am still somewhat depressed. Or at least I don't want to do anything in a way that doesn't feel normal. I just want to read books and lay in the sun all day. My body, unreliable. My emotions, desultory. My appetite, insatiable. My feet, itching to go anywhere but here and find something that will allow me to sit still and not feel like jumping out of my skin all day long. The growing pains are simultaneously tearing me apart and sewing me back together, one stitch at a time, and it hurts like a mother.

Sunday Afternoon

I'm really confused, which I guess is just a part of growing up. Although I'm beginning to become concerned that "up" is a rather amorphous objective.

I want to make the right decisions, but in the end, "right" is so relative. So subjective. But at this point I suppose it has something to do with setting boundaries, and with acceptance.

"And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing, or situation - some fact of my life - unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing, or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment. Nothing, absolutely nothing happens in life by mistake.

Until I could accept my alcoholism, I could not stay sober; unless I accept life completely on life's terms, I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes."