Living 80210

I am sitting in my bed in my little room in Denver, with my one carload-full of possessions, myself, and my dog. Just me, out in the world. Starting my new life, as a big city girl. And even though to some extent I am just playing make-believe (I have a whole house full of furniture and all kinds of other crap, and tons of other grown up responsibilities and ties to Las Cruces), it feels good to finally be cutting some of the ties that have bound me to Las Cruces for so long.

Some days have been really hard and I have felt really lonely, but that's what I came here for. To really live the experience of being on my own in the world and prove to myself that I can make it without any friends or family or special favors to back me up. I like the fact that I have no close connections in Denver; it can truly just be me, and no one else, no expectations or influence or predetermined direction - I have to decide on my own direction and make it happen myself.

I'm not the kind of person who can work my way across. I have to start on both sides and work my way to the middle.

Maybe it all sounds silly, but as someone who has lived in her hometown her entire life, surrounded by family and all the people I went to school with since I was 5, this is kind of a big deal for me. And depending on the hour, sometimes I am terrified out of my mind and I just want to stay in bed all day and hide under the covers because the world, and this city, and all my options for what I am going to do with my life on this particular day, are hugely overwhelming and I feel like I might disappear into the cosmos if I even make an attempt. But up to this point most of the time I just sit in my room and think a lot, and feel all the things I am feeling, and tell myself that it is okay to feel them, and that everything is going to be alright...and there is some definite empowerment in that.

And then sometimes I play my guitar, or read a book, or watch Daria or Rachel Maddow online, or knit, or write, and that space for creativity is what I was really seeking all along I think. And something else that I haven't discovered yet. And sometimes I walk down to Pearl Street and get an ice cream, or ride my bike down to Broadway to catch a movie at the Mayan theater and go thrifting at the gigantic badass goodwill, or take the light rail down to Union Station and see where I could catch an Amtrak to if I felt like it... and most of the time I just bask in the fact that I am living in a big city, where I am one out of over two-million people trying to figure everything out. And somehow that seems less lonely to me now than living in Las Cruces did just a few days ago.

Sing Olympia

This night changed my life.

once i realized she wasn't perfect like a character from a book, i had a bad taste in my mouth.

it's all fear
if you're loud and i'm quiet
and we're both afraid
of the world and ourselves
it's just the same,
but the words are different.

the first boy i ever loved died on june 9,
in the year that i became an adult.
even though i already bought a house,
and made lots of money,
and traveled the world,
and had sex,
and owned a pet,
and the title to my car,
and a money market savings account.

it happened in olympia, washington.
and i sang loud, and with a sore throat, and i was scared,
but i wanted to,
and i did it anyway.

paul says,
i'm not uptight...
i'm just a little snug.

and i say,
well i guess that's ok.

Colorado changes you.

I am moving to Colorado.
Pennsylvania (st), snuggled between
Iowa and Mexico
... Denvah!

To brave the snow,
...........and learn how to sing in harmony.

I will not snowboard.
.........................You can't make me.

but I miiiiiight be a different person
......when I come home.

(I already am.)

Assuming always.

Oh, Vince,
my first love.



I never imagined I would go through this life without you.
I always assumed somehow you'd always be
in the periphery of my journey,
that our paths would always weave.

I'm sorry for not taking better care of you.

In the doorway

It seems that we have been playing this same game for a long time now. I have one foot out the door and the other is still hanging on inside. I still want to be a part of that life. It makes me feel special. I feel cool to be your sweetie, to know you, to stay up late and to take long naps and to waste time and to fuck. Part of me still wants to hold on, and part of me is way, way ready to let go.

I'm tired of only half living.

I want to grow, like a sunflower.

I am playing guitar. I am singing. I'm trying. Every day it gets a little bit easier.

My roof leaks, I still need to fix it. The rainy season is coming. Wishing for sunny days and a burst of motivation.

I'm stuck in my head all day long. Think I may leave town for awhile so I stop feeling guilty for not returning people's phone calls. I haven't been able to sleep well for about 3 weeks. It's probably from eating so much chocolate and drinking so much wine all night before I go to bed.

Besides that, what am I learning about being graduated, out in the real world? Be straightforward, it's easiest in the long run. Don't eat weird foods all day long or you will feel like shit tomorrow. Thinking about health insurance is stressful. You have to drink more water if you are going to drink wine and coffee all day/night. Growing up is hard.

I reserve the right to change my mind.

In response to the question, "so what are you going to do now?", which is slowly managing to cause me a sufficient amount of self-imposed pressure and anxiety to drive me into a mild depression/mania:

I don't fucking know.

I may or may not be traveling short-term over the summer...

I may or may not be going on a long-term travel adventure for an undetermined amount of time...

I may or may not be going to flight school...

I may or may not just hang around Las Cruces and shoot the shit with friends and do web design and work on my house...

...depending on the day, the weather, my mood, current state of mind, stress level, self-confidence level, and what I most recently ate.

So please stop asking because I may have a panic attack soon. Just, you know, let me do it, and cheer me on.

You said that I must eat so many lemons cause I am so bitter.

Hello, my name is...

Anxiety of Sex, Communication, and Related Endeavors


You Are Here, but Where Will You Go?

Tones with Canon

Life is like a roller coaster, and I guess for now I like it that way. There's a certain beauty in melodrama.